I showed up to Holy Yoga last night with a heavy heart. I almost didn’t go because I tend to retreat when I feel overwhelmed and when I am unable to put words to my feelings. My husband urged me to go and reminded me of how much love and comfort I receive in that space. I agreed.
I had been in a battle with God for a week. My daily companion was loneliness, and I decided that she needed to be kicked out and quickly. I hated the dark feelings and was willing to do anything to see them go.
“God, I think I need to host a potluck. I need to open my doors and practice hospitality again. What if I hosted some ladies again on a Sunday evening? Who can I initiate with?”
Very distinctly, I knew He was telling me no.
“Aimee, why do you want to go back to old patterns? Why are you trying to get your own needs met without trusting me? I want to do a new thing, and I have asked you to wait. Will you trust me?”
I order my life in a proactive, intentional way. I jump ahead into following visions and ideas instead of following Christ. I see a need and I move quickly to control, to manage, to fulfill. I stink at waiting, at listening, at following. But I am learning.
At Holy Yoga, the leader reminded us that God is the Creator. And that the definition of create is to “to make or bring into existence something new”. She reminded us to surrender to His creating our lives and for us to stop controlling our lives.
Tears leaked out the sides of my eyes. Yes, I want to control relationships, my needs, my life, but He wants to create. God wants to make art with my life. He wants to bring me into healthy relationships, rhythms, and faith. He is inviting me to surrender all the controlling ways that lead me to burnout, to dysfunction, to unnecessary pain, and to trust Him to bring into existence something new.
God doesn’t create on my time-table. I want it fast and furious. The promise is nice, but God, please do this new thing already! Our fear, insecurities, and uncomfortable feelings prod and poke us to be like demanding toddlers. Waiting and trust sound lovely on paper, but not so easy in practice.
I woke up today feeling lighter. Hope was created in my soul as I slept. He created something new when I wasn’t even awake. God planted the seed of hope that newness, life, and connections will grow as He waters, prunes and shines on my life. My job is to pay attention, to cease striving, to admire the Art that He is creating all around me and in me.
Dear friends, we spend so much of our days controlling. Our homes, our children, our relationships, our lives. We manipulate under the guise of ministry, of care, of service. We are so afraid. Today may we see God in a fresh way as Creator. He wants to bring something out of nothing into our lives. Beauty, healing, intimacy, and wholeness. All things that we cannot control, only notice and receive.